When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough."
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.