The quote below (it’s from Psalm 51) has appeared before on this blog – back in July last year, when I had just arrived back in Britain and was wondering how to ‘start again’. Well, I’m still wondering – the intervening time has taught me much about the heartlessness of advice-giving, and much more about the shallow foundations of myself, but I haven’t actually got anywhere. Apart from closer to Maria, which is undeniably a good thing.
Having had several days in a row (last weekend and the beginning of this week) of repeatedly crying in a horrendously hopeless kind of way, my mum suggested that I might try taking some of my Grandma’s ‘happy pills’, so as to take the edge off this sadness and think more clearly. I think they’re mild anti-depressants. Today is now day 3, and I have felt a lot better (albeit in a queer, artificial sort of way).
And so, with a clear-ish head, I am thinking. I’m applying for PGCEs and jobs and all that sort of thing, but really I’m trying to write, enjoy my family, and think about whether there is something I really want to do – something I really DESIRE.
I think there is, and its (predictably) an old dream, from last summer: I want to run a web-based organisation that gives money away to people, not because they are ‘in need’ (not in any logically definable way, anyway), but because they’re people. I want to set up a means of generosity that is not sensible or financially viable, does not seek to invest in people, and is not looking for results. All those things are nice, but I want something a lot more ludicrous than that.
I already own the domain – www.thephilanthropist.co.uk – all I need now is to do it.
And I don’t know how to.
But I do know that if I wait until I can afford to give away money, then it won’t be generosity at all.