The Philanthropist (and last year’s other news)

The quote below (it’s from Psalm 51) has appeared before on this blog – back in July last year, when I had just arrived back in Britain and was wondering how to ‘start again’.  Well, I’m still wondering – the intervening time has taught me much about the heartlessness of advice-giving, and much more about the shallow foundations of myself, but I haven’t actually got anywhere.  Apart from closer to Maria, which is undeniably a good thing.

Having had several days in a row (last weekend and the beginning of this week) of repeatedly crying in a horrendously hopeless kind of way, my mum suggested that I might try taking some of my Grandma’s ‘happy pills’, so as to take the edge off this sadness and think more clearly.  I think they’re mild anti-depressants.  Today is now day 3, and I have felt a lot better (albeit in a queer, artificial sort of way).

And so, with a clear-ish head, I am thinking.  I’m applying for PGCEs and jobs and all that sort of thing, but really I’m trying to write, enjoy my family, and think about whether there is something I really want to do – something I really DESIRE.

I think there is, and its (predictably) an old dream, from last summer:  I want to run a web-based organisation that gives money away to people, not because they are ‘in need’ (not in any logically definable way, anyway), but because they’re people.  I want to set up a means of generosity that is not sensible or financially viable, does not seek to invest in people, and is not looking for results.  All those things are nice, but I want something a lot more ludicrous than that.

I already own the domain – – all I need now is to do it.

And I don’t know how to.

But I do know that if I wait until I can afford to give away money, then it won’t be generosity at all.


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