Lance Armstrong Sensationally Admits Lying About Lying About Drug-Taking


Lies
Seven-time
Tour de France cycling champion and
serial adulterer Lance Armstrong this afternoon confided to a close circle of
friends (including Ellen DeGeneres, during a live recording of her syndicated
talk show) that he ‘lied in the face’ of Oprah Winfrey, when recently interrogated
by the chat-show queen.

The
Texan Armstrong, having admitted last week that his record-busting career had
been fuelled by an orchestrated regime of blood-doping ‘unparalleled in the
history of everything,’ today revealed to Ellen that his admission was, in
fact, a pack of lies.


Trustme
‘I
felt pressured into the confession,’ said Armstrong, assiduously retaining
eye-contact at every moment, and allowing Ms DeGeneres to stroke his hand.

‘After
[former team-mate] Tyler Hamilton’s admission of drug-taking, and the resulting
extraordinary sales of his book, I felt I had no other option but to follow
suit.

‘I
knew that every person in the whole of history is jealous of me and my success,
and I wanted – out of sheer humility – to show the plebs that I am as fallible,
weak, and susceptible to temptation as them.

‘But
I lied.  It wasn’t true – none of
it – and I’m so sorry.  I am Iron
Man.’


Lance-armstrong-oprah-TV
This
astonishing admission was wheedled out of the former world champion by
DeGeneres’ unerring and audacious journalistic technique, according to Armstrong’s
publicist Cheryl Chrow.

‘I was shocked,’ confirmed Ms Chrow.  ‘As far as I was concerned, Lance only went on Ellen’s show out of generosity: in order to badmouth as many former cyclists as possible, so that they could sue him and reclaim the millions of dollars in libel damages they had previously been ordered to pay him, and which he still possesses.’

‘But under the kind of duress that can only be brought on by Ms DeGeneres’ inane cheeriness, open-ended questions, and easy opportunities to show himself in a good light, Lance broke down and made this confession.


Ellen
‘I was genuinely surprised. It wasn’t due until his appearance on Dr Phil next Monday.’

After
the show, with a melee of reporters lined up to confess their shame at doubting
Armstrong and begging to be allowed to kiss his feet, the great man's characteristic grace, gentility, and honesty overflowed.  He smiled benevolently at the
throng, and declared:

O
ye of little faith – I am the Resurrection, and the Life!  Behold the Man!


Crossedfingers

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