Basic Rules of Religion

Basic Rules of Religion

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Confessions du Jour

Transparency
In the name of honesty, and a completely un-called-for level of transparency, here are some of the things that few people know I enjoy:

Sleeping with my head under the pillow.
Weighing myself before and after using the toilet.
Writing with propellor-pencils.
Commentating aloud, whenever watching sport alone.
Wearing two pairs of socks at once.

Cleaning my ears, even though they're already clean.
Re-reading books multiple times, rather than wasting time starting new ones.

Working out the publishing date of maps by what countries were in existence.
Preaching to myself when alone.
Cleaning under my nails with the page-edge of whatever I'm reading.

Hope you found that enlightening 🙂

Lance Armstrong Sensationally Admits Lying About Lying About Drug-Taking


Lies
Seven-time
Tour de France cycling champion and
serial adulterer Lance Armstrong this afternoon confided to a close circle of
friends (including Ellen DeGeneres, during a live recording of her syndicated
talk show) that he ‘lied in the face’ of Oprah Winfrey, when recently interrogated
by the chat-show queen.

The
Texan Armstrong, having admitted last week that his record-busting career had
been fuelled by an orchestrated regime of blood-doping ‘unparalleled in the
history of everything,’ today revealed to Ellen that his admission was, in
fact, a pack of lies.


Trustme
‘I
felt pressured into the confession,’ said Armstrong, assiduously retaining
eye-contact at every moment, and allowing Ms DeGeneres to stroke his hand.

‘After
[former team-mate] Tyler Hamilton’s admission of drug-taking, and the resulting
extraordinary sales of his book, I felt I had no other option but to follow
suit.

‘I
knew that every person in the whole of history is jealous of me and my success,
and I wanted – out of sheer humility – to show the plebs that I am as fallible,
weak, and susceptible to temptation as them.

‘But
I lied.  It wasn’t true – none of
it – and I’m so sorry.  I am Iron
Man.’


Lance-armstrong-oprah-TV
This
astonishing admission was wheedled out of the former world champion by
DeGeneres’ unerring and audacious journalistic technique, according to Armstrong’s
publicist Cheryl Chrow.

‘I was shocked,’ confirmed Ms Chrow.  ‘As far as I was concerned, Lance only went on Ellen’s show out of generosity: in order to badmouth as many former cyclists as possible, so that they could sue him and reclaim the millions of dollars in libel damages they had previously been ordered to pay him, and which he still possesses.’

‘But under the kind of duress that can only be brought on by Ms DeGeneres’ inane cheeriness, open-ended questions, and easy opportunities to show himself in a good light, Lance broke down and made this confession.


Ellen
‘I was genuinely surprised. It wasn’t due until his appearance on Dr Phil next Monday.’

After
the show, with a melee of reporters lined up to confess their shame at doubting
Armstrong and begging to be allowed to kiss his feet, the great man's characteristic grace, gentility, and honesty overflowed.  He smiled benevolently at the
throng, and declared:

O
ye of little faith – I am the Resurrection, and the Life!  Behold the Man!


Crossedfingers

Ardbeg 10 Year

My dear wife has, this festive Yule-tide, furnished me with my first ever bottle of Ardbeg – a great moment in an Islay-lover's life.  And Maria wins 'best wife award'.

The insert carries a review of several Arbeg whiskies, including the one I received.  For the sake of art and good taste, I reproduce it here in full.
 


Ardbeg-10
ARDBEG TEN YEARS OLD

World Whisky of the Year (2008 Whisky Bible)

46% ALC/VOL

NOSE

A burst of intense smoky fruit escapes into the atmosphere – peat infused with zesty lemon and lime, wrapped in waxy dark chocolate.

Bold menthol and black pepper slice through the sweet smoke followed by tarry ropes and graphite. As you dip your nose in further, savour the aroma of smoked fish and crispy bacon alongside green bell peppers, baked pineapple and pear juice.

Add water and breathe in the vortex of aromas rising from the glass. An oceanic minerality brings a breath of cool, briny seaspray on chalky cliffs. Waxed lemon and lime follows with coal tar soap, beeswax and herby pine woodlands. Toasted vanilla and sizzling cinnamon simmer in the background with warm hazelnut and almond toffee.

TASTE

An explosion of crackling peat sets off millions of flavour explosions on the tongue: peat effervesces with tangy lemon and lime juice, black pepper pops with sizzling cinnamon-spiced toffee. This is followed by a wave of brine infused with smooth buttermilk, ripe bananas and currants. Smoke gradually wells up on the palate bringing a mouthful of warm creamy cappuccino and toasted marshmallows. As the taste lengthens and deepens, dry espresso, liquorice root and tarry smoke develop coating the palate with chewy peat oils.

FINISH

The finish goes on and on – long and smoky with tarry espresso, aniseed, toasted almonds and traces of soft barley and fresh pear.


Ardbeg 10

From A Resident Alien [letter 7]

Angry-letterLetter 7

If you have followed these epistles thus far, you will doubtless have noticed that I'm managing to maintain a balanced, objective, non-partisan approach.

Pretty much.

It's important.  When you move to a new culture, you need to play the intrigued anthropologist for a while, before graduating to the high-horse of cynical critique. But, just for fun – and because it's been a crap week – today I'm going to slag off all things American.

Huzzah!

So, let's launch forth into unbalanced diatribe …

ISSUE 1 – FAT PEOPLE

Fat+american+shirt
Yes, make no bones about it, Americans have 'fat bones' (translation: 'a lot of fat around their bones, with additional layers of blubber and padding on top of that'). They are the evolutionary missing link between human and hippo.

But let's not judge them: Americans are genetically predisposed to eat sugary, unnatural, pre-parepared crap in vast portions, and not to walk anywhere. It's in their nature.  Which is why they think nothing of waddling to a doctor, in search of surgery or a pill to solve their type II diabetes, self-image issues, and lack of pep.

Which leads me neatly on to …

ISSUE 2 – PHARMACEUTICALS

Popping pills
'Do you occasionally feel vaguely less then perfect?  Then ask your medical professional about new Ikansolvital, a cocktail of 37 industrially-produced compounds guaranteed to make you feel better, because it costs $37.99 for 6 tablets, and anything that expensive MUST be amazing, right?'

And don't get me on to insurance companies profiteering on people's poor health.

ISSUE 3 – CONFORMITY

ProductionLine
Back in the 80s, we all used to smirk at those dumb, ugly communists building dumb, ugly carbon-copy tower blocks out of concrete.  Well, the production-line, mass-produced capitalist dream has amounted to the same thing in modern America (only with slightly prettier concrete).

Cloning.  Houses, neighborhoods, towns – all look the same.  Likewise clothes, cars, churches, and shops (which all sell exactly the same stuff).  In a country full of creativity and natural variety (desert, mountain, swamp, grassland), it is a crime that the man-made stuff conforms so utterly to the post-war baby-boomer bigger-is-better utilitarian mold.

ISSUE 4 – HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

Howareyoutoday
I will never – NEVER – get the point in asking after the well-being of someone you do not know, do not care about, and whom you will never meet again.

The conversation goes something like this …

[phone rings, DAVID picks up]
DAVID: Hello, David speaking.
PERSON: Hi, how are you today?
DAVID: Um, I'm alright, though I do have a bit of a cough. Who is this?
PERSON: I'm good thanks.

ISSUE 6 – TAKING THE PISS OUT OF THE BRITISH WEATHER

Rainybritain
Yes I know: the reason my green and pleasant land is green (and reasonably pleasant) is because we have a sizable annual rainfall.  And yes, I know it's cold: if you were within 600 miles of the Arctic Circle, you'd be chilly too.

But the fact is, oh South Carolina, blessed as you are with with hot sunny day after hot sunny day, you'd have more integrity in your chiding if you actually went outside occasionally.  And no, sitting in your car with the a/c up full does not count.

Union flag

Is Global Warming Caused By Prayer?

Polar prayer
Christians believe that prayer 'works' – ie. that God promises to respond to it:

"Whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith," Matthew 21:22
"Ask, and you shall receive," John 16:24
"I tell you, whatever you ask, believe that you have received it, & it will be yours." Mark 11:24
"Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do," John 14:13
"The prayer of a righteous person has great power," James 5:16

People – me occasionally included – regularly pray for 'good weather' (ie. hot, sunny days).  Whether it's a loved-one's wedding, an open-air evangelistic meeting, or just the annual church fete, climatic intercession is never too far from our thoughts.  Jesus did calm the storm, after all.

So is it too much to wonder whether the Almighty has been granting all these little faith-filled requests, resulting in cumulative global temperature increase over time?  Did God cause global warming by granting our prayers?

Global-warming handConclusion:
No, it's because we fill the air with carbon dioxide, methane, and ozone.
Nice try though.

Jesus explains Lent to the disciples

JesusDisciplesLent
He knows the score.

"So what," I hear you ask, "is the Shahid-Rowe household doing for Lent?"

Well (replied Mr Rowe), we've effectively been fasting for 3 weeks already, due to our Paleo Month, which explains the lack of pancakes yesterday.  Therefore, the idea of giving up even more than grains, sugars, pulses and other non-hunter-gatherer-type* foods is not exactly on our radar, especially since Maria is barely getting enough into her to stay alive anyway.

But I like Lent, and I want to 'do it'.

So what we've decided is to give up the 'giving up' side of the Fast, to sidestep it and instead use this period of the Church calendar to instil certain otherwise-lacking disciplines into our lives.  I won't give you the whole list, but for example, every day until Easter I am going to be spending 20 minutes sitting in silence.  Something I've always planned/wanted to have a go at, but never got round to.

And may God use the season to transform our hearts and lives.  Amen.

silence is wonder
*TRIPLE HYPHENED WORD – I WIN!!!